Looking in the mirror

What do you see when you look into a mirror? I see a murderer. Because that is what I am, a murderer.

This how she thought of herself. This was the honest opinion of her personality, her life. She hates to admit it but it was the ugly truth. Anna would wake up and think of the blood on her hands. She would go to sleep and she would still think of it. There was not a breathing moment that the word murderer would not echo in her mind.

It was the same that day. It was a lonely day, a sunny day. Anna was walking through the park, the dead leaves where crunching below her feet. What they whispered to her was a melody well known to her, murderer, murderer, you are a murderer. Tears started to flow down her face, one at a time, and then all of them together, like a river. It was not the first time she cried, nor it would be the last. She would always cry for taking his life.

“Why is a young beauty as you crying?” called a voice behind her. “Beautiful and young girls should not cry”.

Anna turned around surprised. She wiped her face while she studied the man who had spoken to her. She had all the traits her mother had told her to avoid: old, drunk and dirty. Her mother said that little girls got kidnapped by those kind of people. “I will not eat you! You are how old, eight? Seven?” he asked her again.

“I am twelve!” her response came about without her being able to stop it.

“Twelve! Already a woman! I only feed on girls under six!” he smiled at her. “I could buy you ice cream though”.

She loved ice cream, but since she had killed him, she had not eaten it again. Offering cuddies was the number one way to lure children and then kidnap them and do whatever dark things they do to them. She should say no to him, but she was a murderer, and she deserved the worst. She followed the man to her death.

They walked in silence. They bought the ice cream in silence and they sat on the grass in silence. Not knowing what to do Anna started to eat her strawberry flavoured ice cream and the same did the man. He had bought one for himself.

“Why are you crying?” he asked again suddenly.

“Because…” she stopped. She liked the ice cream and the man would take it away, she was sure. She seemed kind and generous, those people hate scum like her. But then she deserved it. “Because I am a murderer” she whispered and she awaited judgement. It was weird to actually hear those words coming out of her mouth. She had never heard them in her real voice, only in the voice of her heart.

“A murderer!” he exclaimed. “If you tell me who you killed, I will tell you who I did” he winked his eye to her.

Anna should not talk, but now that she had started, she could not stop herself. “My father! I killed him! It was night and I wanted to go to the beach! We drove there and then we had to drive back… and we crushed! It was my fault, I made him to get me there! If I… if I…” she stopped talking. If I did not pressure him to get him to the beach, he would not have died. He was tired and I knew that. He would be the one sitting next to her and not the weird guy. Her mother would be still smiling and her brother would not ask in his babyvoice “Where is papa?”

“Well… I know you are a horrible person”.

“I am” she agreed with him.

“I feel the same. I killed my baby boy. If I was not working too much, my wife would not have to carry all those heavy boxes. She would not have lost our baby” a tear fell down his eyes. Anna understood. She felt the same, they had both killed those that they loved the most. How painful was that?

“But…you seem so happy? How do you do it? What do you do to seem normal? Don’t you hear it in your head? The whole day?”

“Yes, I cannot stop thinking about that… but you have to be strong and go on. For the rest. You have to be strong and happy and normal and helpful…this is our punishment. All of us who neglected those we loved, we have to live on and give everything we have to the rest we love. This is how we repay.”

Anna did not comment on this but his words stayed in her mind. He did not say anything else either, they finished their ice creams in silence. Without a word she went home, she only waved him goodbye.

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